It’s been a darn good while since I blogged here. There are reasons which I will share below. But I wanted to get back into a healthy habit of expression here in my blog. I’ve never been one to give specific writing types or marketing ideas. I can’t categorize my blogs like other writers do. My blogs are usually lessons for myself and heartful inspiration to those who may need it. So I think it is fair to say that my blogs are something special. They are elevated highlights of life and experience I’m willing to share. Sometimes it’s really hard stuff too. But it is healthy for me to do it.
I saw a cartoon floating around somewhere that had a writer sitting at a keyboard who was colored red. In the next pane he was pinkish red. And the next he was pink. On the four pane he was back to white. This is writing. Creativity can bet brainy and thinky and cloud your thoughts and your head. By typing it out, be it a story, a poem, a blog… it’s a healthy exercise for a writer to just WRITE!
So why have I been away for so long? I think it would be healthy for me to share.
This one seems easy, but it’s not AT ALL. Of course, when something breaks you up, it hurts and it takes time to heal. Last year, my heart broke, actually in several different ways. I don’t think 2021 was a good year for anyone, but it was one of the worst years on record for me. A had one of my very favorite people ever to be on this planet die tragically of a suicide. I’ve been professionally working in healthcare for years and the pandemic was so hard on us emotionally, covid took many deaths this way as well.
Soon after, I had a professional relationship, one that helped grow me as a writer, editor, and professional, crumble. I can’t say I didn’t see the end of this one coming. It was just a matter of time. But I didn’t realize how devastating it would be and how many feelings would be involved.
My marriage was also in a sore spot. How in the wo rld would I have time for my marriage when I couldn’t figure out how to function as a full person? What I didn’t realize at the time was that I should have asked for his help instead of push him away. Eventually, through therapy, we grew a better, stronger bond.
And one more thing, and this is not so much a heartbreak, though it did hurt, as a shifting of gears. My oldest girl no longer wanted to be called a girl. Parents that have gone through this know that it is one of the most difficult things a parent can face. I love my child. I see them as perfect. I have always given them a safe space and room in my heart. So trying to see things and understand a different view point, and see my child differently, has been so hard. Knowing the name I cherished and blessed them with, they no longer wanted. It is a confusion that is so hard to grasp.
I wrote about it in a blog I published on Medium HERE. The situation is ever evolving. What I can saw and what I have learned has changed my life and built my compassion. It’s been a growing experience for all of us.
About the same time I had my breakdown last year, I started getting hives all over my body. These are not just little rashy spots, these are what’s called wheals. It’s an allergic reaction to pressure, basically. I would itch it and then my skin would raise up and it would burn, like so painfully burn. I had(have) to carry benodryl cream everywhere I go.
It’s taken a few different doctors, but the Rheumatologist diagnosed me with Sjogren’s disease, which out of the autoimmune family, is pretty light as in I won’t have to take drugs or anything, but I will have to monitor other things that happen within my body. I’ve never had an issue like this before. Stress most likely is the trigger but it’s something that already existed in my body. I was talking with my aunt and cousins at a family reunion this summer about autoimmune diseases and it is something that several of us from that bloodline have. My interest has definitely peaked about my genetic roots. My paternal grandmother always had something, but it never was diagnosed while she was alive. I am now convinced it was something similar to me.
When dealing with personal issues, creativity has a hard time breaking through the stress. This is exactly what has happened. I haven’t felt like writing, blogging, talking to people. It’s not like me to keep away, and I’m trying again to break the surface and get back to talking about the things that make me happy. Inspiring others is my passion and I haven’t felt like I can.
Knowing I haven’t felt like I could help others, I thought I should work on myself. I reached into myself and searched for my desires, for what I wanted to be and what I have always wanted to do. I have always put myself last. When you become a mother, this is an obvious thing to do. I have now raised one to be an adult. My other child feel smore grown up and put together than me. So putting my dreams and my desires up front has been weird.
I do need to say though, writing books and being published has always been my first dream. I’ve achieved this, and I also did this as a young mother. But that’s the thing about dreaming, there is still a morning after. I still want to write, to publish, to inspire. Going to school and improving my craft will help me internally feel that success and outwardly express what I’ve honed in.
Plus, I have always wanted to take ballet and I’m finding it challenging. Wow, dancing uses muscles that have never been touched before.
Back to Blogging
I’ve found that I miss expressing myself through blogs. I test my wittiness and candor, my language and cadence. I miss telling stories here. I miss showing my passion with my craft. And I’ve just missed me. Blogging was part of me. I am ready to make the commitment and blog more.
My Search For Happiness
Writing has always been a huge part of my happiness. It will bring me back to this again. I am not complete unless I am writing, even if it’s ten minutes typing out a blog about how ballet is going to be the death of me, or how oxford commas are gospel. My self awareness has never been higher in my life. I am ready to remember my first joys, my first love, my first passion. This is writing. It will be a challenge, but it will also be a delight. It’s good to be back.